the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
