I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
