woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
