I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
