in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
