You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
