I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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