Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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