I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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