The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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