someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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