I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just want nice things and good sex
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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