I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
