please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
