I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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