I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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