chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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