That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
