brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
