when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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