we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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