My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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