i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
