I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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