Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
