I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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