I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
