The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm like, not good at living.
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