You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
