if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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