Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
