you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
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I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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