I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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