his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
