Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
