my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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