my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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