She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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