you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In other news, I just burned my penis
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
