Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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