I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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