im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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