I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
