wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
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I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
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I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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