Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize