She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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