I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
