The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
