She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
