thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
