the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
