Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
