I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
how drunk are you?
Several
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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