mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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