I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
